Thursday, February 2, 2012

Still Here....

Ok, Ok, OK. I'm still here. I won't lie, it's been a busy few months. I appreciate how nicely multiple parties have been in saying that you miss my posts.

It has been tough managing 2 kids with additional medical requirements. It bothers the hell out of me on so many levels. Throw in 2 more kids with normal kid goofiness and my days are full. On one hand I am so beyond grateful to have the little cretins and on the other hand I have felt the great loss of normalcy as I once knew it.  I have written multiple times and been unable to publish it because I could not find the "up" side. One of my personal goals when I started blogging was to use it as a therapeutic way to find the reason and the positive in the things that were thrown in my path. I have been stumbling over those things a lot lately. Some, I can't even see around them and I have been tempted to turn and run the other way or just slump down where I am and become a hermit. Neither one of those is productive or will make me feel better so I've just been hanging out. Not in the -sitting around eating bon bons kinda way- but the -treading water and hoping you don't get eaten by sharks kind of way.

We have gotten to do some amazing things over the past few months. The kids are all doing well in school and we have a bevy of activities we keep up with after. I have been working very hard at getting the Li Fraumeni Syndrome Association off the ground and helping at school and friends whose needs are greater than mine. Along the way, I got too busy to write- which has always been the biggest part of my healing. We still go to Tripler almost weekly for "routine" stuff for one or more of the kids. I am a huge advocate of mental health healing. You cannot possibly heal the body without healing the mind and soul.  When my dad died, my mom made me go to counseling. At the time I resented the hell out of it. Yet it gave me something to resent and put me in the office of someone who could help me deal with the multitude of feelings and side effects of loss. I know my kids will see the wisdom as well down the road.

I guess everyone gets to the point where enough is enough.  You get to that point and have to decide which direction you will go. I have been here before and I think part of the issue is knowing I will be here again. It's like when you have this huge mountain in front of you and you finally get up the courage to climb it only to find there are even bigger and scarier mountains beyond it. Some choose to hang out by the lake in the valley, soak up the sun and enjoy what is around them. Some march right on to the next climb and then the one beyond without really stopping to reflect. I kinda stalled for awhile. It's hard to start climbing when you know there's going to be another hurdle. It's tough to start planning your route when you know there will be storms and obstacles you just have no idea what. But I also know that you can't truly appreciate the sunrise or sunset from the valley and there are some amazing things to see along the way.  Even when most of it is the backside of kids you are chasing, or the backside of your best friend(one of the great views) who is kind enough to chase after the kids so you can take a break or just hold your hand. Sometimes you have to take a step back and realize there is a grand design, you aren't in control of it, you are only in control of your choices and you can choose to just stay on the path and have the faith it will get you there. And sure it would be a helluva lot easier to climb those mountains without 4 kids in tow and all their associated baggage and sometimes they trip and it starts a chain reaction that lands us back at the bottom, or sometimes I lose sight of the direction we are supposed to go because it is so steep. But then I remember those times that I wish I could bottle their energy and let them pull me along so that when they get tired I can carry them and when we all get tired- we stop and just be. There's going to be another mountain. There are more mountains than us. We don't have to climb them all, we just climb the ones we can. As long as we do it together, that is direction enough.

1 comment:

Catherine said...

Hi Jen,

Loved your posting. Your view can be daunting,, but beautiful too as you share at the same time. I know you will keep moving those mountains, one at a time.

Still here too!