Saturday, January 8, 2011


I love my husband more than anything. I love that usually we can communicate without words. Getcha head outta the gutter, I mean like when the kids are doing something funny I can nudge him and he knows what I'm thinking. It's not this way with everything. There are many things we have to talk through. Like- hey they are trying to schedule the such and such, what are your druthers? He generally knows my druthers. He knows my druthers better than any other human on the planet. He knows them well enough to know they are completely malleable and prone to change without notice. He knows better than to assume anything about my druthers. Doing so usually ends up in an argument.  That's the nice thing about druthers, they can change when I am looking for one.

Yet there are certain things that my druthers cannot change. Like for instance this exciting yet annoying new career change of events that has occurred. Granted, I do realize that I should not complain- we are very lucky.  I am also feeling a bit of buyer's remorse.  Sure it's a shiny island, climate controlled, yada yada. But he hasn't been on it for the majority of 4 months. You cannot take a major part of a person's happiness away and expect them to be happy. The worst part is that having him home for Christmas only made the missing him worse because it reminded me of how much I do love him. And that's really not the big problem. The big problem is how much I LIKE him. He is the one. We have been friends for nearly 20 years. Friends. I don't laugh as much when he's not around, or smile.  I try, but it's no where near as easy. It wasn't always easy and the communication skills were a lesson learned on both our parts. He learned to tell me more and I learned it was necessary to stop communicating and just listen.

It took many iterations of arguments and miscommunicative steps to get here. We went from him walking away not communicating, to me walking away in frustration, to yelling it out ,to him prefacing an explosive discussion with - hear me out before you get upset, to let me talk before you start. He's learned that he cannot prevent me being upset- there aren't any words to pad the bad news and I have learned to try, try to hear him out first. Sometimes the connection between my common sense and my mouth misfires. But then he shushes me and I don't get upset when he does. 

So when he says things like- glad I turned my bid in for January, I'm not on the schedule- I hear- don't plan on me being around much in January, it's not my fault.  When he says things like- what are your druthers- I know he cares and will accommodate any crazy wants or needs I might have as best as he can. And I try not to be too wanty or needy even though I want to throw myself on the ground, flail my arms and legs around and scream- you were just gone, I know you are going to be gone all the time- I don't want to CHOOSE between anniversary and whose birthdays you are gonna miss. I don't wanna, wanna, wanna. But I will. And I will say be home for the birthdays or spring break every time- even if it ends up not being an option- because I am a grown up and know that I can communicate my love for him every day, any day I choose- not just on an anniversary or a birthday - but the little ones want him there and it's much more difficult to communicate to them why he can't be there. It's part and parcel of the lifestyle. The part that we try and avoid. I know that and try to shield them from it. And this is a good reminder why he left active duty and that we are lucky.  No this isn't how we planned it, it rarely works out that way anyhow. So I am grateful for the reminder of how much I do love him and like him and miss him. I am grateful when he is home- because he is amazing and engages and is a partner in this chaotic home. I know he will have to be gone a bunch in the future, so we will appreciate the time he is home and the parts we can control. And I will continue to be grateful for phones and skype which have given us the amazing opportunity to communicate despite the distance.

And when he calls and says- hey buddy- just wanted to make sure everything is ok- I saw there were 2 charges to Starbucks in one day- I know he would be here if he could so I say- yep everything is fine- just felt like a little extra boost and he knows that we are out of creamer, or coffee- or everything and I just couldn't face the commissary and that's ok.